Five years ago today, on the eighth day of his life, my son Caleb left us. He was born severely premature and the double brain bleed he had on day 3 of his life started a downward spiral. Well downward for us, because we would have to say goodbye to him. Every night, the doctors braced us for the worst and he exceeded their expectations hanging on longer than expected. He was just born too soon to stay with us. The good news is Jesus died for us, so he went to heaven.
I am totally grateful for the fact I did get to see him and hold him, though I could only hold him once and it was pretty much the moment he passed away. Of course being the selfish person I am, I wanted more time - I felt and sometimes still do, I was gypped in the parenting department as eight days was not enough time.
My mom died when she was 54 and I remember my grandmother saying, "No one should bury a child". Granny was gone when Caleb was born, but those words haunted me as if she was standing next to me talking to me. Eight days was not enough..... eight years would have not been enough. I had so much love to give him, so many wonderful things to share - so much we didn't get to do or say.
But you know the entire 8 days of his life, all he got was my love....no nagging, no yelling. Lots of stories and songs, many many prayers. I sang to him praise and worship songs - my favorite being "I Love You Lord" because it was all I could think of. I was worried and scared, but didn't want him to know. I wanted him to just feel my presence and love as a comfort in his little NICU bed. He had the prayers of many family and friends.....never any judgement or questioning of his opinion or disagreements with choices.....just prayers and support.
Yeah, I wanted to take him to the ocean and show him the mountains and lots of stuff I loved as a kid, but look where he ended up.....on the express to heaven. How can one top that, even a mother with all the best intentions and a heart full of love can't compete with eternal joy, peace and happiness.
I will try not to dwell on what I don't have, but its not easy. I am human and can be selfish - who doesn't want to get there way. Caleb would be 5 this year and in a perfect world, that is the time children are off to kindergarten....a rite of passage, the start of school. I think that is what I have been missing most this year, well that and a beautiful princess loving sister having a big brother to tease her and make her laugh. Sometimes the silence in our house is a reminder to me that something is missing.
In my loss support groups we refer to today as Caleb's Angel day...the day he got his wings and soared back up to heaven. Happy Angelversary My Sweet Baby Boy. I love you so much.....
Goodnight stars, Goodnight Air, Goodnight Noises Everywhere.
All good giving and every perfect gift, is from above coming from the Father of Lights, with whom there is no alteration or shadow caused by change.
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