Wake Up Champ.......

Tonight on HBO Family I caught the 1979 movie "The Champ" - and yes, I was crying my eyes out when little TJ played fantastically by Ricky Schroeder was telling Billy the Champ Jon Voigt to wake up after the fight. I have to say, Rick - in his pre- Silver Spoons did a fantastic acting job, apparently this was his debut. He won a Golden Globe for his performance . He was so believeable and that kid cried many times in the movie. He was a real cute boy - really just a cute little boy. Good job Rick! Rick must be incredibly in tune with his emotions, sadly he lost a baby to a still birth and quit his job at NYPD Blue to deal with the grief...well that is what I have heard.....I believe he announced he wouldn't be returning to spend more time devoted to his family. Hmm, I can actually relate to Rick Schroeder on realizing the importance of family after a loss...how weird.

This movie brought back so many feelings and memories. I remember my sister Mary Beth, just sobbing at the end when we saw it, me only like 12 or 13....well I was crying also myself, but Mary Beth was really crying hard. I miss her so much. Seeing TJ lose his dad The Champ made me think about losing my mom and how hard it was...and still is 23 years later. Of course I thought as I have alot lately about how much I miss my brother Jack. I have had so many losses in my life, which is no surprise I mean none of us will live on this earth forever. Saying goodbye to someone you love forever is not fun nor is it easy, but its something everyone will face sooner or later.

Its weird how seeing something from 1979 can make me so sentimental and melancholy.......and not because the plot of the movie is very sad either.....life is really hard.

As a side, 1979 had some GREAT movies....

Kramer vs Kramer, Norma Rae, All That Jazz (I love this weird movie), Breaking Away (REALLY loved this one with a young Dennis Quaid), The Rose, The China Syndrome, Apocalyse Now, Moonraker (my first James Bond), 10, Ice Castles (yeah I know total chick flick), and my all time favorite....The Muppet Movie.

Cocktails for 2

Tonight after dinner I was sitting on the couch working on some blankets to donate to the NICU when Andy came up from the basement and asked if I wanted a cocktail. Heck yes, I knew we were out of beer and had no cheap wine, so wondered what he had in mind. Yummy, Baileys Irish Creme - ok its NOT Baileys its Brendans which is a little cheaper.

He came over with a tiny little Juice Glass for me and a normal size cocktail glass for him. He then laughed and gave me the normal size drink while he went back and mixed his up. I was wondering if he was trying to tell me something about my habits in general. Do I need to drink a tiny drink.....I do like big beers and its hard for me to have just one of anything.

It was nice to just chill out with him and sip our cocktails. We should do that more often, it seems like lately we hardly spend any time together at night. Mental note....must do cocktails with husband once a week.

My Favorite Prayer

I thought I would post my favorite prayer today. It reminds me that I need to just give it ALL to God.

Thomas Merton's Prayer

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. - Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"

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Easter is here Alleluiah! I was a very poor example of a Catholic giving up things this lent. I wanted to give up so much, but I am weak and totally caved. I did make it with the Red Meat which we did as a family...well except that one day I ate the Nachos with Everything...a simple mistake.

I know giving up things for Lent is just an exercise in self discipline which obviously I have some work I need to do. I know even if I say "I am giving up sweets for you" and then I cave, while that may not be a mortal sin, it certainly doesn't say anything about my willing to sacrifice things for God.

I really like this prayer as it asks God to please remember I want to please You. Perhaps if I keep saying that the discipline to be stronger at my "promises" will become easier. I could say "next year......" but you know I don't have to only give up things as a form of sacrifice and prayer during Lent.

Big Brother

I have been thinking alot of my Big Brother lately. He died suddenly of congestive heart failure at the age of 52. I just love him so much and I miss him terribly.

Jack was 11 years older than me. He was my hero when I was small, I thought he was so cool. He shared some great music with me and introduced me to New Wave music. He was in a way a free spirit.......could never see himself in a desk job. He loved people and was great at making them laugh or feel good. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.

People were drawn to him, which is I think part of the reason he ended up marrying so many times. I don't think he had a talent at resolving conflict...he could be so stubborn and self focused....which I think contributes to the breakup of his marriages. But you couldn't help but love the guy.

He was funny and had a sarcastic sense of humor. He told me he loved my sense of humor, we played off eachother well. He loved movies, especially comedies. He loved to go fishing "Free Entertainment". He enjoyed fine dining and like JIll and I loved to talk about food and loved to eat. He was totally addicted to Dunkin Donuts Coolatas.....now I think a part of the reason I love DD coffee so much is it reminds me of Jack.

I hated that he had a super fast metabolism and could eat anything and was skinny as a rail. He had very thick curly hair, mine is straight. I wanted those genes so badly.

When I heard about the tornado that hit downtown last night and saw the pictures of the Peachtree Plaza I thought about Jack and wondered what he would think. He worked at the Plaza when it first opened. So many things happen where I want to call him and ask him what he thinks or give him some smart aleck comment to hear his comback so we could laugh together. Then I remember, I can't call him anymore.

The thing I miss the most is that he doesn't know Sarah. She really has a great uncle...too bad she will never know him on earth.

Another reason I hate cell phones

Today was a gorgeous prelude to spring, sunny and just beautiful. On a lark we decided to head to the park to catch some rays, see the river and play on the playground. I love being a SAHM for this reason, its like college you can just go enjoy being outside.

We play on the playground, walk the path and play in the field. I have noticed on several visits alot of parents spend time talking on the cell phone at the same time as playing with their kids. Come on, pay some attention to your child! Don't you know playground equipment is among the most hazardous things for a child. I really don't get it. Why push your baby on the swing if you are having an animated conversation at the same time. Don't you think the kid is picking up on the fact that they aren't the most imporant thing to you at the moment. I myself got a call from my dear hubby while at the park, but I kept it short......and I moved away from the equipment. I am not talking about these short "what's for dinner" type calls either.

I guess I am old fashioned and long for the days when we all weren't so connected. Its too easy to disconnect with those we are with when we pick up our cell phones.

Jesus Christ Superstar

Andy and I had a date...yippee!!!! We went to see the show Jesus Christ Superstar which was fantastic. The story is very well known by many, but centers around Judas' struggle with Jesus. In the show he is almost jealous of him, which IMO is taking liberties, but still provides some great entertainment in the last days of Christ. Beautiful score and the staging was perfection. I don't know who the lighting guy was, but total kudos!!!!! They were basically on a bare stage the whole show, but man those lights...and that choreography really added to an already powerful story.

Jesus was played by Ted Neely, who has an awesome stage presence. BUT he played Jesus in the movie in 1973...so its a stretch to see him and think of Jesus who was MUCH younger. He did a fantastic job acting and his singing was good, but a bit raspy at times. The crucifixion was incredible.....Ted really showed agony and the torment of Jesus's death without any bloodshed or special effects. It was just distracting at times to see an older man playing Jesus...sorry Ted, you did good, but not my choice for casting.

Judas was played by an understudy who did an AMAZING job. His voice was riveting and you would never know that he wasn't Judas everyday in the production. The lead Corey Glover who was the lead singer for In Living Colour apparently wasn't up to our matinee... I was bummed but when I heard the understudy belt out Heaven on Their Minds I thought....Eh, Corey get your rest for tonights show, we have a real showman out here. What a joy it must have been for the guy who performed, esp to get a standing ovation.

Mary Magdeline had and AMAZING voice. She really added so much with her beautiful renditions of I don't know how to love him and everything's alright. Herod a comic relief character in the play was a riot.....loved his orange crocs.

I have always loved musicals. They can really get to me. The joining of one voice to many is one of the most beautiful sounds I think exists. One voice can beautiful but when you start adding layer upon layer of sound it becomes something incredible. I can well up with tears when I hear all those harmonies. This musical adds to the element of great songs the passion of the Christ. What a fantastic combination.

Watching the scenes with the disicples wandering around I found myself wondering what it must have been like to have been one of them....or one of the women who traveled with them, which was pretty much unheard of in those days. You never really see Jesus joking but I bet he had an incredibly dynamic magnetic appearance and was alot of fun to be around. I mean who would have been drawn to a wet noodle you know. And sure they weren't going around singing Andrew Lloyd Weber songs, but seeing that depicted on stage I can't help but wonder what a wonderful family those disciples were. I think Jesus was very entertaining with "shows" and stories of the deepest message. But it wasn't mere entertainment, it was life giving words.

In my women's group we end the night by hugging one another saying "the Jesus in me loves the Jesus in you". To write it here sounds kind of hippy and a little weird, but let me tell you.....its a very powerful affirmation. It means first I need to find the Jesus in me which isn't always easy to do with life's distractions AND then recognizing that Jesus is within all of us.

Think about it.

Sad Bookstore

Last weekend I met a super nice mama at the Borders down across from the Amtrak station to show her my carriers. I know this mama from one of my online message groups so its always fun meeting women in real life and seeing their babies. Andy came with me to help watch SArah Cate who is getting a little crazy when it comes to doing carrier demos!

Andy and SC were in the kids book section......Sarah was loving all the books. When I was done I went to them and started to cry when I saw the book Snowman at Night. This particular borders is located near Piedmont Hospital where our son Caleb Andrew was born - at 24 weeks, 16 week premature. When I was in the NICU they told me that it was good to read to them as it gave you something to do and the sound of your voice comforted the babies. I told this to my sister who went to the bookstore and bought a bunch of books including Snowmen at Night. Goodnight Moon was the last book I read to him before he died. Seeing those books and thinking about how my sister so generously gave us those gifts from that bookstore brought back all the sadness from out of nowhere. I hate how that sorrow can come back and hit me like a ton of bricks.

I love Caleb and miss him so much. I will never know what happened to cause my preterm labor or why I had to go through that whole stressful and sad experience. His life was so brief, yet he has touched me forever. It was a very hard and sad time for both Andy and I. This sadness will never truly leave me and I know that if I try to talk to some friends about it they are probably thinking I just haven't moved on and need to stop dwelling on it. Truth is, Caleb is my son, I miss him. That will never go away

I suppose one of the many gifts of Caleb is in his short life many people were able to share their love and generousity with us....things in normal everyday hum drum life we don't see or take for granted. Thanks Jill for those books and wonderful memories of reading to Caleb.

John 11:35 And Jesus Wept

My big butt

Yesterday in an effort to get out Sarah Cate and I ventured to the mall to just walk around and people watch. I got a look at myself in the full length mirror...YIKES I have such a big butt! I have reached middle aged mediocrity in looks. I didn't have sweats on but might as well have in how I felt I looked.

I felt so good when I got into my size 12s again but I still have some work to do, I am just lazy and like food. I think I have always been a size 12...which I am sure used to be smaller. I have never felt good about how I look, so sad. Even when I was my tiniest and could squeeze into some size 8s...but was a solid 10 I felt fat. I mean this has been going on since high school.

AND my hair is in serious need of a cut and some color.... darn those pesky grays! I know when you have good hair, its like 95percent of your appearance, you feel it and it carries to the rest of your body. With good hair you have confidence and an extra bounce in your step. I haven't had a cut since ARGH September. I am just pony tail happiness these days. I think by not working I feel guilty spending money on a good hair cut....but seriously, its an essential to mental health. Why don't I prioritize this.

I love my husband and this is NOT a dig into him, but how I wish that he would tell me every so often "Wow you look so good today" or "you are so pretty". Its so sad that I need these affirmations, but I do. I know its inward beauty that really matters, but some days I so need to forget I have a wide butt.

I just feel like a wide load in dumpiness with no bounce in my step. But I can fix that....so I will stop whining about it and do something. And stop thinking about beauty so much........

Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

Left Turn Right Of Way

Did I miss a recent law change giving motorists turning left the right of way. I will be patiently waiting at a light listening to my tunes happy to be in the first car at the light spot when time and time again the light changes and the car coming towards me guns it and turns left in front of me. Last I heard, people turning left had to give oncoming traffic the right of way.

What is going on? Why do people feel they need to break the law and risk an accident. Are they in a hurry to a lifesaving or changing situation? Is it a sense of ego and self importance that they deserve to be the first?

Am I such a bad person for not cheerfully giving them the right of way. Does this make me less than polite or horribly self centered that I am mad because I WAS IN THE FIRST SPOT and the law is on my side. I am a self procraimed Christian, so do I have a right to let this upset me.....do unto others right? I mean shouldn't I WANT to let them go first? To be honest, I take pleasure in having that first spot at the light. I am so happy I get to be first and all others will follow me and my speed. But then.......wham, my joy is squished.

I think what upsets me is its yet another example of how our culture is becoming so self centered we are willing to sacrifice obeying laws and putting others safety first. Especially when driving, people read, eat, text, talk on phone AND just go when they please. Its really getting out of hand. Of course let those without sin cast the first stone.......Yep, still a work in progress here...... I will try not to be so self righteous about it...but then again, the law is the law.....