Monday, January 12, 2009

Just another manic monday

No, not a post about the Bangles.....

Dad is the same, he is actually stable meaning his vitals are not changing. Its getting harder and harder to see him. He wants to get up and get out of bed and is so weak he can't sit up by himself. He gets a scowl on his face when Jill and I tell him we can't help him get up or that he can't get out of bed. He puts his hand on his forehead, which is a physical indication of his frustration.

He hasn't been on very much medication, but they are trying to work with his anxiety. He will take off all the blankets and pillows off the bed and throw them on the floor. He will also take off his hospital gown......nothing like seeing dad naked. But apparently this behavior is not uncommon for those about to pass. His condition is terminal and hasn't resolved itself and his body had stopped absorbing the nutrition, so its just a matter of time.

Because he is stable, it could be days left....of course they can't tell us when he will go and its difficult seeing him withering away physically.

This is getting so incredibly hard. We go to the hospital every day and he is more and more out of it. Can't really understand but about 5% of what he says. My routine is so off as I work around getting someone to watch Sarah so I can go see him.......and with the seizure on Saturday poor Sarah's has NO routine and is very clingy. When we pulled up to the hospital today, Andy was dropping me off, she said "Poppa". Its so hard. I am tired and I hate seeing Dad that way. I know he is miserable or would be miserable if he had more wits about him.

Most days I feel like I can't really process all this as I take care of Sarah, go see dad, and then come home and take care of her. With her clinging its hard to get some ME with that seizure the past 2 nights she has slept with me, which will be changing tonight. I need to figure out something I can do for myself that is normal and just for me.

I do realize this time is a gift, being able to forgive each other and tell dad how much I love him and thank him for all the things he taught me. Its much different than having someone just pass away quickly which is what happened with Mom and my brother Jack. My sister was sick, and was getting better, but also quickly took a turn for the worse suddenly. In those losses, you regret all the things you didn't say or do - so with Dad its a blessing we have been able to realize the end is coming and get closure or forgiveness or whatever we needed. It was also very nice Saturday that Dad, Jill and I got communion together and there have been some pretty amazing moments in that room.....but right now, I am wiped.

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