Same old same old

Visited dad 2 times day....once while Sarah was a school and once with Sarah.

This morning after I walked in his room, I just lost it. He is so weak, he is just kind of slumped down on the bed and was leaning up against the bed rail.....I guess he is still trying to get out of bed, but so weak its physically impossible. He was very agitated the past couple days and the only thing that will now relax him is morphine, which knocks him out, so much, but seeing him agitated...trying to get up knowing that we can't help him is heart wrenching. I hadn't seen him smile in 2 days since he is now mostly in a medicated haze.....but my sister asked him to give us a smile and he did...though it was so weak. We prayed the rosary and also had communion...he had a TINY piece of the host and I just kept putting a little bit of water in his mouth to help dissolve. He was out of it, but when the Eucharistic Minister who visited asked him if he wanted communion, he nodded....so he does know what is going on. I am glad in my visit this morning I was able to pull it together as I probably cried straight for 10 minutes. It helped alot when Jill got there also.

His vitals are still stable....all those years of walking for exercise so the Hospice nurse told us it will probably be days before he goes...though he could go at any time. He does reach up as if reaching out to heaven, so perhaps he is seeing things to come. The nurse also told me she went through a similar experience with her dad being the mom of a little one, so it really helped me to talk to her today. I am pulled at being with dad and being with Sarah.

I decided after picking up Sarah at school I would go back to see dad with her. It was a lovely visit. She quietly sat on my lap and said "poppa". I told her poppa was sick and sleeping and she said "Yes". She held his hand for a couple minutes with me and gave him a kiss. I asked dad to give Sarah one of his beautiful smiles and he did, though so weak, but it was there. The chaplain walked in when I was with Sarah and we prayed together. After Sarah started to get a little antsy we had to leave and she said "bye bye poppa"....very loudly....he acknowledge we were there by opening his eyes.

I can't go back tonight so I will go tomorrow. Please keep us in your prayers......I don't want to spend my last minutes with dad in complete hysterical tears.....it helps me to pray the rosary.