August

August is a hard month for me. Caleb's birthday is the 17th and he passed away on the 25th. I have been dreading those anniversaries for the past few weeks. The sadness and grief I felt with Caleb's passing was so consuming and overwhelming...thankfully as the 4 years have gone on it has definitely lessened, but I will never forget or totaly get over it. It changed my life.

I really miss him and the fact we have been trying unsuccessfully for another baby has not helped. I know having another will never replace Caleb, he was his own special little blessing. I never wanted an only child and it saddens me to think that Sarah's sibling is in heaven and not able to play with her.

Realistically,because of my age the chances of me getting pregnant aren't so great. I also realize what a blessing Sarah is.....which kind of hurts when I express to people about how I feel regarding losing Caleb and I am told "buy you have Sarah....". Yes I know, she is the light of my life, so sweet and fun. What a blessing to spend every day with her, its awesome. Caleb was a blessing in his own unique way also, despite the incredibly sad experience of losing him and all the heart wrenching decisions that come wtih having a 24week old baby, his short life taught me alot of life lessons - especially about how precious our time on earth with our families is.

I feel Caleb with me every day so its not like he totally left me. I just love him so much, he is the child that made me a mom.